Hello there, I'm _Rascal. If you decided to read this then you were most likely expecting some cheesy message or something, not actually fully expecting me to give you some personal information. Unfortunately, you are wrong. What follows will be my entire life story.
March 15th, 1954. I was sitting on the study chair reading a book. It was late and rain pattered against the panes of glass. For being only 11 years old, I had just finished reading the dictionary... for the 7th time that day. I decided to finish doing my taxes and then head to bed. Despite my amazing feats of showing advanced intelligence at such a young age, I was still unable to read the time. However, with the moon dimly lighting the dampness outside through the thick clouds, I knew it was time for me to sleep. However, on my way up the stairs, there was a loud knock on the door. It was more like banging; it was desperate and urgent. Suddenly, the door burst open. It was Pepsi Man! He stared at me with his blank, metallic face, cracking his knuckles and neck. What was simply rain soon turned to thunder. lighting struck behind Pepsi Man, turning him into a silhouette each flash, while illuminating the whole house.
"It's time to pay the price, Rascal..." he demanded. For a moment, I had no idea what he was talking about, but I soon remembered what he was referring too. Earlier that week, I was offered a Pepsi, however I turned it down and had a Coca Cola instead. He must have been the man that offered me the Pepsi in disguise.
With little to no warning, he dashed at me with his Pepsi Sword. I leaped over the stair's handrail onto the lower floor and ran back to the study. Conveniently there was a suit of armour that wielded a sword of it's own. I looked behind and saw Pepsi Man kick the handrail with little to no resistance. I soon arrived in the study and got to the suit of armour. I yanked the sword out of the suit's gauntlets and faced towards the door. Pepsi Man was there, and was running straight at me! I rolled to the side and parried his barge. I quickly slashed the back of his leg but his metal body was far too much for the sword to penetrate. He laughed "Ahahaha! Foolish Rascal! A weapon of mere iron cannot defeat me! My body is made of pure Pepsi Can! The hardiest material known to man and the universe!" he cackled. I had lost hope. There was no way I could defeat this god among men. Suddenly, I noticed that there was a [REDACTED - DATA EREASED] and then I [REDACTED - DATA EREASED] but with no escape, I was forced to [REDACTED - DATA EREASED] and that's how I defeated Pepsi Man. I hope the government don't find out how I did it, as they'd be after me again.
November 28th, 1989.... to be continued...